Cold hands, warm shart.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
