i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
