don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
