apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
