Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
