omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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