3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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