dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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