Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
