new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
