I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i dont even know how to be here
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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