if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
