her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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