i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
