So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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