I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
