Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
