i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
