Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
