I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
