Plan B is the new Plan A
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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