fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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