I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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