saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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