I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
