I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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