apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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