Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had to cum in my sink.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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