Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
