Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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