tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
