i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
