I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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