What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
