4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
