dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I smell like Dick and happiness
This toilet bowl is my home.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
