so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
