Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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