with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
