Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
