I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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