If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
