you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
