Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
