Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
