you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
