I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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