Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You're like the curious george of whores
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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