yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
