She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
