you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
